14 hours since I got up and I felt so bad right now. it was suppose to be a happy day eating lunch and playing tennis with my friend. okay to start it all off, I woke up to a loud knocking on my door and my mother yelling at me to get up and get ready for my date... what date? my girlfriend is on the other side of the country? and even if she was here, I would be in bed with her (not sex you perverted bastards, cuddling) if that wasn't bad enough, during the 3 hours I had to get ready, my mother kept calling me to do this and do that, just like before. then when I left the house she said "have fun with her" what's that suppose to mean? I know we're going to play tennis and all but I know that's not what she meant. so I picked up Avery and went to lunch. the same place as last time, I'm not complaining, the pasta there is really really good. we made some jokes about the first time we were there and I teased her about the waiter there. then she brought up that we should go see our friend Auri... 20 miles away and of course being the one responsible and since she won't give me the keys until I agree, we decided to go to Auri's house. along the way we had fun talking about things and made a few bad turned. typical field trip. anyway getting to Auri's house I found myself being surrounded by girls almost the whole time (reminds me of high school) then we started messing around (too bad that Auri's wii is broken T.T that would've been fun) the funniest thing that happen have to be the fact that we found a baton in Auri's room and was throwing it around (mostly me, yeah I can throw a baton without fail... 90% of the time) afterward we made sex joke out of it LOL it was really funny especially the face Avery made after one of the jokes (luckily no one got hurt) after all the fun and joke is done and we left the house and I was sending Avery home, we got in an argument about which direction to go, she tried to turn on the signal, I grabbed her arm, and ended up getting hit, supprisingly I actually saw that comming, her hand balled up into a fist by her waist and I could clearly see that path that it was comming at me (43-45 degrees from her legs comming at no more than 10 miles per hour and there was no dought her aim was my face) I saw it and I knew I could block it with my other hand or dodge it, but I was driving, so for the benefit of our health and everyone else's health around us, take the hit was no problem. I dropped her off and head home. I had to lie to my mother about what we were doing so she won't be suspecious (eating lunch at a pretty far away place and driving between my friends' house a lot) when I got online I saw an e-mail from my girlfriend, I got it at 10:30am and it's almost 5:30 when I got home. I quickly sent an e-mail telling her I'm sorry for not replying earlier and glad to see that she's okay (since I haven't gotten an e-mail from her for a while now) then Avery came online, we talked about how her punch still hurt my tooth for some reason (for a punch going at less than 10 miles per hour it really hurts even now) anyway then made a sexual joke (pretty normal for me if I like the girl, but never happend if I'm dating the girl) then she left. ever since then nothing is going right, more and more chores to do, internet breaking more often than normal, and the memory of what I did to her just keeps haunts me. I'm not even joking, it just keeps comming back making me sad that things turned out the way it did. sometimes, I wonder what if I was never born, would so many people been put through all this suffering? but what about the people's lifes that I saved by being me? the misery I take from others so they can have a better day... I keep telling everyone, "you can't take back what you did, all you can do is use the rest of your life making up for it" ... but what if the things you've done is way over your head? I mean a lot of people I hurt are the ones closest to me (I'm talking about my girlfriend and friends) I... I just don't know anymore, the people I care most about in my life are being hurt... by me. I don't want to hurt any of my friends, I wanted to do all I can to help them through any problems, but it turned out that I'm the one hurting them... should I give up my friends and do what I can from the shadows... or should I be around but risk hurting them again? I don't think I've ever answered that question. everytime a situation comes up I always leave it and let time heal the wound, but knowing how it feels to be wounded many time by one person I don't think I should move on without at least answering this question first... I thought about it for a long time. I'm not willing to give up my friends, but I'm also not willing to hurt them... after talking to one of my best friend, I've decided that the best thing to do is stick around and just control my own actions and take consequences. yeah... that's the best thing for me